So, I'd like to take this moment to go down a notch on a serious note. Someone brought to my attention that I was a bitch and oversensitive when it came to the amount of information I require from someone before meeting them because of my Persistent or Pushy? post.
In it I gloss over the fact that how can I know if you're a mass murderer or rapist if I don't even know your full name and have the ability to google you before a date (let along at least know a little bit about at least what you project when speaking). I used to be much more frivolous in the old days of dating. Back when I was still at Lagrange, was vulnerable after feeling like I was worthless thanks to losing my galbladder, gaining weight, losing friends I was close to, and my teachers losing faith in my abilities. It was a tough place, and I went looking for love to fill the void.
I joined Match.com in October of 2008 in attempt to meet boys who were not on my campus and therefore didn't know things like .... I'd made a fool of myself one night and fallen for this guy who in his drunken state was all about me, but in the light of day thought it was a mistake. Now, I'm still a virgin at this point so we just kiss and cuddle, but....I followed him around like a puppy for weeks after that. So...I was embarrassed. Or who didn't think my sorority big sis and I were having a lesbian love affair. Or weren't colored by other 'college experience' events like my first time getting drunk, or making out with members of both genders (and both sexual preferences in both genders) on a school trip. I wanted something that wasn't tainted by my galbladder being gone and me losing faith in myself because I was so sick (and my teachers doing the same). I wanted something else.
So in my oh so desperate attempt at trying to find something to love and love me (because I couldn't love myself) I talked to a lot of guys on match.com. I thought "if they pay for a dating site they've gotta be quality people." And some of them were. But one night after coming back to Lagrange a certain gentleman whose name I don't even remember asked to get to meet me after texting for a few days. I was so excited because he was older than me, stable, worked for cnn, and he said he might could even help me with my career. I thought well, at least even if we don't hit it off in a love sort of way maybe he can do things for me career wise. It seemed like a perfect thing.
So I offered to meet him at a coffee shop in town, but he said since I'd been traveling and was almost back that he'd just come to me instead of me driving farther and having to wait. Plus, it was getting late, and he wanted us to be able to hang out for a while. Mistake 1. He SAID he was being a gentleman, so I ASSUMED he was being a gentleman. How sweet! I thought. He cares enough about me being tired to come to me. So when he showed up there wasn't much going on around campus so we just walked around and talked. It seemed safe and innocent enough. He seemed like a good guy. And when we were tired of walking and talking he asked if he could see what my room looked like. Sure! I thought. Mistake 2. Don't take someone to your room you've just met. No matter how nice they seem.
So we walked through the apartment suites up to my own, and walked past Sharon and Lindley, my suitemates, and two other people that I couldn't even begin to tell you who they were. Waved, smiled, and disappeared into my room. Little did I know the fact that my suitemates were in the livingroom working on some sort of class project probably saved me from being raped. He sat down on my bed, and I proceeded to start to pull out things like my scrapbook of my signs from Freshman year, share with him my sorority which he'd already taken an interest in. Because he'd taken such an interest I put on a letter shirt for him before he got there because he talked about how interesting sororities were and how cool it was I really felt that sistership. And as we looked over my scrapbook he kissed me. It wasn't like a sweet first kiss. It was a KISS. It was rough. And I pushed him off. I went back to looking at my scrapbook, now less interested in sharing it, and more interested in distracting myself. It didn't feel right. It felt....really wrong actually. So I went to get up to put the scrapbook away, and he put his hand in my lap and held me down. I was 5'7 140 lbs, and he was probably 6'2 and muscular. And he looked at me like I wasn't human and said "tonight is going to be a very special night for you." I'll never forget that he said that. I'd told him I was a virgin. And I'd flirted and said how much I wanted to find the right person and finally be able to give away the v card. But I had said the right person. And I certainly hadn't said to a person I'd never met. And it was like the words and the look just froze me. And with one hand still on my lap holding my legs down the other went up my skirt and in between my legs. Fingers...up inside me...for the first time.
I said "stop." I know I said stop. I was frozen and scared but I KNOW I said stop. He didn't. I pushed him off me, and I stood up, dropping the book on the floor. He grabbed me from behind around my waist and tried to pull me back into his lap. I flipped around and looked him in the eyes, and with what little courage I had left I said, "you saw my roommates were in the living room. If you don't stop I will scream." And he let me go. I stood across the room from him, leaning against my desk, heart racing, wanting to throw up, and finally I said, "you should go."
I had to walk him out of the building. Which I did. And he had the nerve to say "if you change your mind, baby, call me." And I said "I won't" before shutting the door. I ran back upstairs, put on sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt, grabbed my phone (I'd left my wall charger at home accidentally, but I had a car charger still), drove to Krystal, Ordered three of them I never ate, called a friend, Kris, and cried on the phone recounting the entire tale. I cried for four hours on that phone.
The next day I went to class like nothing has happened. Then a phone buzzed, and I looked down to make sure it wasn't mine, that mine wasn't the culprit, Tomsheck already hated me. And I did have a message from Kris checking on me. And while Tomsheck's back was turned I tried to answer it as best I could because I knew he was worried about me. But I got caught, and got called in for a special meeting with him later that day. I'd written this long note about making up classwork for being sick and that I really did care and wanted to do well. And he told me that I had disrespected him beyond belief and there was nothing I could do to prove to him I cared. That he thought I was pretty much just skating by, and if it were up to him, I wouldn't be in the department anymore. That I was lazy. I didn't come to class. I made excuses. And then I had the audacity to answer a text in class. I just sat there and stared at him. How do you tell your male teacher who hates you that you were sexually assaulted the night before and your friend was making sure you hadn't committed suicide? So, I didn't. I said, I'm sorry. I didn't even cry. I don't know how I didn't cry. I cry for no reason. I got up. I walked out. And I cried.
I didn't press charges. It was his word against mine. I didn't even have his last name. I had a first name, a phone number, his okcupid profile, and his word that he worked at CNN. I reported him to okcupid to let them know he was a sexual predator and close his account. I don't know if they did or not. I knew it would be my word against his, and I knew since he didn't actually rape me that there wouldn't be any evidence. I knew they'd use those flirty texts and pics of my cleavage as collateral against me. And I knew that most likely he'd never get so much as a slap on the wrist. So I tried to forget.
When I was on okcupid before I met Andy, not this time around, I was looking through my quick matches and a face and eyes I can't forget popped up. I wanted to throw up when I saw him. I immediately reported him to okcupid as well letting them know what he'd done to me years earlier from match.com. Again, I have no idea if they did anything. And I've wondered dozens of times if my not coming forward allowed him to do it to some other girl. I hope not. I hope they were brighter than me. Stronger than me. But when someone demands something from me or wants me to meet them without any information I'm cautious. I should've been cautious all along. But once it happens you tend to be more aware.
I hope me sharing helps someone.
Girls, be smart. Don't let men make you believe you should do this or owe them anything. You don't.
