Duck Lips

Ok, so every boy in the world complains about "why do girls make duck lips in pictures?" 

I will lead by example:

Me and Bestie in High School doin' the duck lips. Before they were called that. 

But I had to ask myself as I scanned page after page of dating site pictures...

How do men get off saying girls shouldn't do it when THEY DO IT TOO!?!?!

Oh don't mind me. I'm just promoting peace, beer, and duck lips for all. I'm a total catch.

I'm a really fantastic kisser. Can't you tell by the way I scrunch up my abnormally large bottom lip?

Oooh girl. You know you want some of these duck lips. Nothing like chocolate duck.

I'm punny. See? I made a reference to the duck lips with...my rubber duckies...

[please ignore that one of the duckies is Satan. And no, don't ask why I have it]

MAYBE IF I MASSIVELY OVERDO THE DUCK LIPS THE GIRLS WILLS LIKES ME, YES?

Large, in charge, and duck-lipped, *Koolaid Man Voice* OH YEAH!

And last but not least....the king of duck lip pictures!

Heeeey girl. Just takin a picture of myself from above with my hand down my pants. You like that, huh? You like those joe boxer boxers briefs...you know you do girl. You wishin' you was down those use your duck lips. Am I right? I know I am girl, cause i'm good that way. You come getchu some of this sexy.

*roll credits "I'm Sexy and I Know It"*

And that...ladies and gentleman...is what we call self-exploitation.

No double standards for me. Equal fun-making for all duck lips.

And if you make your pictures slightly pornographic I may just give you a paragraph that sounds that way....because....you asked for it..

What the hell: Pickup lines.

So...what's the weirdest online dating pickup line you've ever received?

They left a bad taste in my mouth...

Here are my top 10:

10. Okay, so listen, I've gotta ask -- are you really as ticklish as you look?

9. Okay, so I just went crazy over your profile! Well... Not like straight jacket crazy or creepy guy in a van crazy but like a totally chill crazy. Your taste in movies has to be the best and... Yup. Probably safe to assume that about most everything else that may not be listed here. I think you should message me back! For funsplosions.

8. Me and my friend wanna help you out. We're not gay, were straight just horny enough to share a girl or take turns, aint gay if balls dont touch ;P

7. Damn. I don't know how you feel about it, but I'm looking for a cool ass chick to hang out with and be sexual with on occasion...I'm commonly addressed as "Math," and I'd like to add someone to my life, subtract drama, and multiply our time together by infinity.

6. I bet if we chatted there would be a recursive, cute quip overload as the quips kept piling on, back and forth, until the entire internet was sunken as if it hit an iceberg. Because you know what they say, cute quips sink ships.

5. So when you say casual sex, how much do you charge?

4. i saw something today that reminded me of you; i went to text you about it and realized i dint have your number yet.. so send it to me, i promise ill only call you 100-150 times a day to ask you "watchuu thinking abooouuutt?" 

3. Someone should preemptively attack your eyes so they won't be able to hurt anyone in the future.

2. You don't seem like my ex at all.

AND NUMBER ONE MY OVERALL FAVORITE THING I'VE EVER RECEIVED:

1. Would climb mt everest and shit with nothing but a loin cloth for clothing and ellen degeneres' queef for an air supply just to get a chance at holding the door for you without you even noticing.

DING! DING! DING! Ladies and gentleman we have a winner. 

Seriously, send me your weirdest pickup lines and you may make the next list.

Introducing the real me, the "character," and the douches who came before

So... to begin with this explanation I'm going to have to first let you know how it works.

I have dating profiles that I've used over the past four years in eHarmony, Match.com, Okcupid, Plenty of Fish, and Geek2Geek.

In an average day I get 5-15 messages...if i'm lucky.

There was a time in my life when I would've thought this was pure fiction:

Until I went through an ex's email after he broke up with me and realized he'd been screwing me, waiting til I went to sleep, and then talking to other girls on dating sites. Yeah...this picture was apparently my life for three months. So there's a lesson in all of this:

"Don't be a dick" - Wil Wheaton