How not to attract a mate: photos edition!

So I've showed you some of the big no-nos of profile writing and correspondence. But, you ask, how important is my picture? VERY!

For instance if you've just moved boxes up stairs maybe wipe the sweat off your face before snapping a profile pic:

Nothing says "you're hott" like actually being hot an sweaty. 

Don't try to photoshop muscles on yourself unless you REALLY know what you're doing. 

Well, first and foremost the gratuitous shirt off, look at my abs in the bathroom mirror pic is a way to look like a real bro douche in the first place, but if you don't have that perfect six pack then DON'T PRETEND YOU DO!

Either he got a tan with a fence on him, or he tried to photoshop his mid section and failed leaving himself looking stripey and with an awkwardly, unnaturally smooth stomach above his navel. 

Finish chewing your food before you take your profile picture:

You may think the fact that you suck the head off a crawfish is the best way to attract a mate, but I have a secret for you....that's gross. Nobody wants to see food hanging out of your mouth! Chew that shit THEN take the picture.

Don't set your profile picture to anything that looks like blood droplets leading to you.

I'm sure those are rose petals, and i'm sure you think it's romantic...but at first glance, tell me you didn't see Dexter. Nothing says romance like the blood of the last girl I killed still on the floor!

Question: whose dating profile is this? Nobody freaking knows. 

Do not make a "group photo" your default photo (or worse yet ONLY photo). How the hell do I know who you are? I have seven choices here. Well, i'm going to GUESS six because I doubt the pregnant lady is on a dating site. But hey, i've been wrong before.

Surrounding yourself with women doesn't make you more appealing to them...

Also, just because you're the only male in the picture doesn't make it any less weird to have your default and only photo a group. Having a group of women surrounding you in your only photo makes you look either:
1. douchey
2. like you're trying too hard
3. like you think you're smoother than you are
4. like you were too lazy to just cut yourself out of that photo for your profile


I literally jumped when this came on my screen.

Also, for sites that auto-crop your photos for your display.....make sure you actually look at how they're positioned. Otherwise you can end up like this guy with the terrifying eyes of doom. Seriously, they're following me like the Mona Lisa's. 

Let's Revue:

To have a great profile picture that makes girls want to talk to you....

1. Show you have good hygiene

2. Don't do topless pics unless you have a REAL six pack.

3. Food in your mouth is not sexy

4. Clean up the blood before you take the picture.

5. Group photos are only ok as secondary pictures. Never as your default or only picture.

6. Check how it's cropped so you don't creep people out.

Got it? Good. Don't do that shit. Kthx. 

What the hell: Pickup lines.

So...what's the weirdest online dating pickup line you've ever received?

They left a bad taste in my mouth...

Here are my top 10:

10. Okay, so listen, I've gotta ask -- are you really as ticklish as you look?

9. Okay, so I just went crazy over your profile! Well... Not like straight jacket crazy or creepy guy in a van crazy but like a totally chill crazy. Your taste in movies has to be the best and... Yup. Probably safe to assume that about most everything else that may not be listed here. I think you should message me back! For funsplosions.

8. Me and my friend wanna help you out. We're not gay, were straight just horny enough to share a girl or take turns, aint gay if balls dont touch ;P

7. Damn. I don't know how you feel about it, but I'm looking for a cool ass chick to hang out with and be sexual with on occasion...I'm commonly addressed as "Math," and I'd like to add someone to my life, subtract drama, and multiply our time together by infinity.

6. I bet if we chatted there would be a recursive, cute quip overload as the quips kept piling on, back and forth, until the entire internet was sunken as if it hit an iceberg. Because you know what they say, cute quips sink ships.

5. So when you say casual sex, how much do you charge?

4. i saw something today that reminded me of you; i went to text you about it and realized i dint have your number yet.. so send it to me, i promise ill only call you 100-150 times a day to ask you "watchuu thinking abooouuutt?" 

3. Someone should preemptively attack your eyes so they won't be able to hurt anyone in the future.

2. You don't seem like my ex at all.

AND NUMBER ONE MY OVERALL FAVORITE THING I'VE EVER RECEIVED:

1. Would climb mt everest and shit with nothing but a loin cloth for clothing and ellen degeneres' queef for an air supply just to get a chance at holding the door for you without you even noticing.

DING! DING! DING! Ladies and gentleman we have a winner. 

Seriously, send me your weirdest pickup lines and you may make the next list.

Introducing the real me, the "character," and the douches who came before

So... to begin with this explanation I'm going to have to first let you know how it works.

I have dating profiles that I've used over the past four years in eHarmony, Match.com, Okcupid, Plenty of Fish, and Geek2Geek.

In an average day I get 5-15 messages...if i'm lucky.

There was a time in my life when I would've thought this was pure fiction:

Until I went through an ex's email after he broke up with me and realized he'd been screwing me, waiting til I went to sleep, and then talking to other girls on dating sites. Yeah...this picture was apparently my life for three months. So there's a lesson in all of this:

"Don't be a dick" - Wil Wheaton

Begin at the Beginning

So as someone who has been on and off of dating sites for the better part of four years I thought I would offer my insight into the incredibly stupid things people are doing. And how YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Basically, it's my chance to snark about people's profiles, pictures, and correspondences without anyone getting angry at me. Or, if they do, I don't care.

So be prepared! Let the snarking Begin!


For post one, We'll start with someone who's doing it right:

Introduction, way to get more info, honesty, compliment, question. Great way to start a conversation! Names have been removed to protect the person who's actually good at this.

This....is not how you do it:

I am not buying a used washing machine. I'm looking for a relationship. Listing off your qualifications and started with "clean, no drugs or diseases" just doesn't put the "I'd love to meet you" vibe into my heart.

Finally, the least effective way possible:

I don't want anything from you but your body. You know nothing about me, and I will not come to you. This will only last for three days tops. Please come to my house where I might be a serial killer... Umm...no thanks....