Can't Take the Hint...

What is wrong with people? No, i'm sorry, I DON'T want to date someone who is 30, divorced twice, live at home with HIS PARENTS in South GA (4 hours away), has no degree, and despite all your arguing to the contrary is a "good ol' boy" from freaking Moultrie. No. There's nothing appealing about any of that. And I don't have to justify to you after talking to you a day and a half why I don't want to marry you. It doesn't make me "immature" it makes me freaking sane. 

I only started talking to this guy two days ago. He'd sent me a very nice little "hey I know I live in Moultrie, but I promise I'll be worth your time" message. And I was intrigued because Moultrie isn't too far from where I grew up. I got my Floral Design Certification from "Moultrie Technical College" just on my high school's campus. 

So he was a very sweet guy, and I think he did genuinely want someone. However, he's four hours away, which made me a little 'meh' going into it. And then as the story continued to unfold the more and more I thought "nope."

List of DONT's

- Is long distance (more than an hour away)
- Lives at home with parents.
- Has been divorced....twice....
- Has no college degree.
- Limited funds. (said he didn't have the money to pay the $300s for safety glasses for work. And that if he were to come see me he wouldn't have any money after gas left over for us to do anything. Which, is fine, but....in the long term if you want to move to Atlanta, which he said he did, that would take FOREVER while trying to maintain a long distance relationship).
- Ready to start a relationship without ever meeting me.
- Already acting like I "belonged" to him. / He "owned" me.
- Self-professed mental and emotional stability issues (we all have them to some extent, but I have my own. I don't need to pile someone else's on them).
- Very "country" (terrible drawl, likes huntin', fishin', muddin')

Things I normally require he didn't meet:

- Nerdy / geeky
- Financial stability
- A plan for the future
- Independence
- Near me (within 60 miles)
- College degree or successful career


So when I realized it wasn't going to work instead of making a HUGE deal out of it, I quietly slipped away. I removed him from my friend list and hoped he would be happy with the memories of the last two days where he basically professed his undying love for me.  

Moultrie: (after 3 texts this morning before 10 am)

Okay so what did I do wrong? You're not talking to me and on top of that you deleted me from FB. You said you don't give up. Well just tell me the truth. By the way, I can tell you're reading the texts. 

Me: (about noon)

I know that. I just don't want to waste your time or mine. I dunno. Two divorces and long distance and living with your parents is all sort of daunting. 

Moultrie: (immediate response)

So you're not willing to put in the time or effort I suppose. You're doing what you said you wouldn't. You're giving up on me before it even gets started. Why so judgmental? Things happen to everyone. It's not like I chose to be where I am. You yourself said you don't have a problem with the long distance and neither do I. So it's not a waste of time. What is a waste of time? Throwing away a great guy like myself, who all he wants is someone he can treat like his princess and love with all of his heart body and soul...I really like you Marli..I just wish you'd give me a legit chance before judging and giving up on me so easily...

So that's it. No response? You're done? 

(5 mins later)

Marli please? I'm literally begging you to please give me the benefit of the doubt. 

(5 mins later)

This is some bullshit. 

(5 hours later)

I'm gonna warn people about Marlissa Doss. Just so you're aware. 

Me: (when I woke up four hours later)

Who the fuck are you going to "warn"? And about what? That I don't want a long distance relationship? That I have the right and the prerogative to change my mind? That I talked to someone for a few days and then thought they weren't right for me? I don't doubt you're a nice guy, but there are too many things in the no column for me to want to try and make this work. I never wanted long distance. And I said I didn't but that you said I should give you a shot. And I did. And I just don't see you as someone I want a future with. Not because of ONE thing. But because of a whole lot of things that kept adding up. And you know what? I wasn't dating you. I'd never met you. I was in no way OBLIGATED to you. So I don't know why the fuck you don't just move on and try and find someone more well suited to you. 

Moultrie: (immediate response)

Haha what the fuck ever. I don't care. You're wishy washy. I know what you said and didn't say. It's cool though. Whatever. Just shows your level of immaturity. I never once asked you to come here. I would have been more than happy to drive there on my weekends off. 

Me:

Well I don't REALLY care what you think about me. I said I don't give up IN RELATIONSHIPS. And we were not even remotely close to that. You don't REALLY have the means to carry on a long distance relationship where you are the sole driver, at least not if you ever want to get out of your parents house, and that was yet another contributing factor. And it was just easier to leave you with a little happy and fantasy than to flat out say that you weren't going to work. Because I figured you would react this way if I did. But I thought you'd take the hint if I defriended you. And just enjoy the few days of pretend. 

Moultrie:

Haha. Pretend huh? I have more than enough means to carry on whatever it is I want. No matter who or where I live. That's fine. I am not obligated to tell you all of my financial information when I have yet to even meet you. It's cool. I would have maybe had a tough time making it this weekend, but I have more than enough means to make it there anytime I want on a normal occasion. I live at home really, because I choose too. It's the easiest way for me to build up more income and to be financially stable at the moment. But, it's cool. It's whatever. The main reason I'm married and divorced twice? They couldn't stand I was and am a tightwad with my money. But, whatever...I ain't got NO worries. On to the next one...

(No response from me. 2 minutes later)

Why waste my time on someone who's not even willing to try? Who gives up before it even begins? Not worth my time or anyone else's. 

And so on facebook I had posted:

What is wrong with people? No, i'm sorry, I DON'T want to date someone who is 30, divorced twice, lives at home with HIS PARENTS in South GA (4 hours away), has no degree, and despite all your arguing to the contrary is a "good ol' boy" from freaking Moultrie. No. There's nothing appealing about any of that. And I don't have to justify to you after talking to you a day and a half why I don't want to marry you. 

Moultrie: (about 5 minutes after I'd posted it)

The fact that you're talking about me on Facebook is childish. Grow up. 

Me:

The fact that you're still stalking me on facebook is creepy

Moultrie:

I'm not stalking you. 

I haven't bad mouthed you to anyone, so I'd appreciate if you'd refrain from bad mouthing me. Especially on Facebook. That shows your true level of immaturity. 

Me:

So says the person that said "I'm going to warn the world about you". And nobody who knows or cares about your existence is friends with me. What I say to my friends on my facebook is my own damn business.

Moultrie:

Okay. That's fine. I said that in anger. [five hours after I'd gotten upset at your]

Have I fucking done it..no I haven't. [I'm not your friend. How would i know?]

Just don't fucking talk about me and slander me and there won't be an issue. I'm done. I'll never text you again. Unless you give me reason to.

Me:

Thank God

Moultrie:

The feeling is mutual. 

Who wants to take bets on which end of the bipolar spectrum he's going to text me next? And how long it takes before he "never texts me again"? Are we thinking pissed off redneck or sad pouty redneck or no ones ever going to love me but you redneck?

Pushy or Persistent? (WTF Friday!)

It's a WTF Friday!

Hi out there dating world. So, I hope you're all having a much better time at this than I am. But hey, gotta laugh, or you'd bury your head in a hole and wish for death. Also, special shout out to a lovely lady I met today who is also going through the same excruciating process, and my heart is truly with her. May the date with the accountant suck less than you expected.

But lately I've discovered the "hard part" has shifted from not finding anyone to talk to / weeding through messages TO you've done the initial weed out and it's the texting before the first meeting. I've found several times that this portion has gone so poorly that the first meeting (though scheduled) gets cancelled prior to occurring. To circumvent that I've tried to push my meeting as close to our first conversation as I can, but this guy takes that idea to a whole new level.

I think he's pushy and creepy. He insists he's just persistent. Opinions? I welcome them. I still don't think i'm going out with him because he's just got that weird vibe and can't have a civil conversation. But hey, convince me!

Below are actual text conversations with personal information as well as unrelated anecdotes all removed. However, nothing has been edited otherwise.

I don't know where this went but I said "Can we make it Saturday maybe? I don't want to drive because I took a pain pill today...

New Best Opener

This guy is almost up there with Ellen Degeneres's Queef. Pretty damn good. 



I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your 
attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for 
looks. You are clearly a 9/10 and here on ok cupid we only 
allow 6/10 maximum. 

Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with 
your name, phone number, your favorite flower, how many Cheetos you 
can fit in your mouth at once (just curious) and if you prefer 
Chinese or Italian cuisine. This is very serious business and I 
would advise you not to take my message lightly or you might anger 
my boss Poseidon, the lord of the seas. 

Cheers 

It goes on and on....

So, the dipstick who wrote me the long letter of hatred toward me and all of womankind felt the need to reply ONCE AGAIN. No idea why....but, hey, more blog fodder!

HIS NAME IS BENC2585 and while I normally steer clear of names out of reaper to their humanity, he has proven he clearly doesn't have any an is a danger to others. 

I have no desire to get in your pants at this point , though that would usually be my motive. My motive is to express my frustration and anger with women kind. I do not fear the okcupid police and you disappoint me that instead of trying to communicate and solve your own problems, you seek a higher authority to solve your problems. Are you dependent on a system to survive. Are you like most sheeple? No, this argument is happening, this debate will not be stopped. See I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. I am however one sexually frustrated and pissed off dude. And I understand that I have essentially become the villain, I have become the nasty and vulgar guy. But you know what makes villains like Hannibal lector, Joker, and Darth Vader interesting characters? It's that even though they are crazy and evil, deep down we agree with them, and they are a product of their societies corruption. And the feminization of our society is corrupt. Through affirmative action society is trying to shove the horse shit down men's throats that you all are equal to us. Ha! This country was built by men. Women are the worst decision makers I have ever met. You all can't even choose a proper mate. You all are more interested in skateboarders, artsy fartsy types, or some other type of loser rather than a man who is responsible and makes a living for his family. Women were better off when they were unable to provide themselves a living and their parents chose their husbands. You all are fools when it comes to love. And why is it that men have to dance around like monkeys to win your approval and selection. Aren't there more girls on the planet then men? You all should be doing the dancing and approval seeking by mathematical reasons alone. We are in more demand than you. And why is it that sitcoms and the media portray men as bumbling idiots and women as the saviours? Why is it that I have to walk down the check out isle and see magazine after magazine of women flaunting their sexuality as if they were the prize. Lets not get it wrong. Women are the arrows men are the targets. Not vice versa. Why is it that you think you get to make up the rules? You are the woman not the man. Learn your place. What do you think about that Wonder Woman?





AAAAAAAAND.....BLOCK! Really? You're not a danger to anyone but your idol is Hannibal Lector and you think we need to go back to a time when women were property not humans? There are much greater reasons at play why you can't find a mate. Again, he needs professional help. But as I am now ACTUALLY AFRAID of him, I reported him AGAIN and blocked him. Please, just "hide us kids, hide ya wife, cause he rapin everybody out here". 

Bad Art

So a while back, the last time around, on okcupid I had this guy who was obsessed with my pictures and drew art of me constantly. It was bad art, at best, and for the sake of the conversation I will show you said bad art. However, that is not WHY I am posting this.

It was quite amusing for a while....

But it got a little creeper / stalky. And then I'd forgotten about him. Until today when I got this...

Ah yes, I remember. You probably remember. I was the "Weird d00d" and the centerpiece of the bad art category. Those were good and bad times. I for one agree with the truth being the best for not wasting time. I've never invested a big amount of time in a relationship myself. I am too detached. Afterall I send creepily realistic surrealistic portraits to people that don't expect them. 

I honestly felt a little bit insulted by the bad art category. Not because it's different from the first opinion. It's just I made a bunch of others that were worse than the first 4 and those were left out. I also made a couple I still think are really good, but I don't mind if you leave no opinion on them. You don't have to feed the troll. 

Times have changed though. I switched to making my own video games, appending art from the past as backdrops, making music, and I'm not so tense and don't care as much about certain things. Learn banjo, stuff like that. 

And naturally I don't have a social profiling account on the blue f page any more because I rage quit a while back due to my brother jumping the gun and eloping without the usual niceties like being able to call my manager in to say a toast. 

Anyway, there's a past, and this is a decent forum for me to lurk so i stick here and that blue bird and some IRC. A hello shout out and good luck the third time in the quest for not finding the right whoever, but ruling out the wrong whatevers in the process. That's what internet dating is all about. Take care. 

bpat.

Does anyone besides me feel like that was a suicide note? 

And how did he know I made a facebook album of his drawings and called them "Bad Drawings"? Like I said...creepy stalkery....

Should I be afraid he's going to sneak in my window at night?

What the hell is wrong with people?

So, today, I got this message from a person I'd never spoken to, never heard of, who lives in another state, and I knew nothing about before this message....he wrote me a small novel on what a terrible human I am because the first line of my profile is

"DISCLAIMER: I'm not dating just to date anymore, and I'm not getting into a relationship with anyone who doesn't want marriage and kids in the near future." 

Apparently that translates to "I won't fuck you" in dick-inese

You know there are lots of profiles out there like yours. The first thing you all claim is you are not here for a hook up. Pardon my language but, what the fuck!? I'm tired of women saying that first thing in their profiles. There is no straight man on earth who doesn't want to have sex. That's just a dose of reality. And I know there are a lot of pricks out there who will lie and say they aren't out for sex, say something like they are looking for their soul mate. That is a bunch of bull shit. The only man your going to find that is willing to wait for marriage to have sex is the man who thinks the only way he can get sex is through marriage. I'm sorry but being dishonest is not in my nature and the worst part about it is I am punished for it because if your honest you don't get laid. Women are so retarded because they reward dishonesty and they punish honesty. If a guy is smooth and can appeal to your alls emotions then he is in there like swimwear but if a man is honest he gets kicked to the curb like a mutt. I don't know if women don't know or don't care that sex is a need for men. We get extremely depressed when we don't have a mate. We sit and think why aren't we good enough, our self esteem crashes, we feel miserable all day, and we watch couples and hope and pray we can find that special person to be intimate with. Just as much as you all need emotional support and attention we need someone to lie next to at night. And we're not dogs because of it either. It's so funny how women's sexuality is applauded in this country but men's is frowned upon. Most men don't want multiple women, most men don't want to screw women over, most men don't want to fuck and disappear, most men want a woman to come home to that loves him and wants to make love. And the other parts of a relationship are great too. Going to dinner, talking, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, but the sex is just as important. You may be wondering why I'm going off on you like this? Well, I'll tell you why. Usually I would try and come up with something witty to try and flirt with a pretty girl such as yourself hoping and praying that I could get the ground work started so I might build a relationship with you. But after 2 years of failing and feeling miserable and alone after failing I think I want to do something different. I'm sorry I'm taking it out on you but you are the straw that broke the camel's back, and I'm feeling a lot better after this rant. Fuck you, Fuck your stipulations, and Fuck your vagina that you are dangling in front of us like a carrot on a stick! I'm done. I'm just going to make money, become successful, and buy an Asian girl. I'll take care of her, she'll take care of me, we'll make babies together as nature intended it to be, and live happily ever after. If you have a son someday, that you'll love very much probably, I hope he has the same trouble with getting a woman to love him as I have had. Because then maybe you will understand how much pain your alls behavior causes. Good luck on finding a man you can pussy whip. Have a good life.



So....I reported him. And then I sent him this:

Umm...what the actual fuck? Why did you find the need to attack me for saying I wanted a relationship? NO WHERE on my profile does it say I DON'T want sex. I DO want sex. I don't want ONLY sex. 

I love sex. But attacking people for wanting a relationship not a meaningless hookup...that's not a good way to get sex. That's not a good way to get ANYTHING. And I don't really understand what you thought you accomplished by reading one thing on my profile, ASSUMING that it meant something it didn't, and then attacking me for it. 

And I don't know where you live that women's sexuality is applauded and men's is frowned upon, but ... where I live ... men are still high fived for "scoring" with a girl, but a woman is seen as a whore. I think it should be equal, honestly. I think if someone (man or woman) wants to have hookups, they should get to do that. I'm not their judge and jury. I just want something more than that. And I don't think I should be faulted for that any more than they should be faulted. 

I have NO desire to "pussy whip" anyone. And clearly you're miserable because you're a miserable person who spreads that misery around. And I don't think that buying a woman is really the answer to how to be loved and treated equally. So, just for the record, I copied everything you sent to me and sent it to okcupid to report you for harassment and misconduct. I feel as though you are potentially a danger to yourself or others and might want to...talk to someone. Because clearly if you are in such bad shape that you attack perfect strangers on the internet because of one line of their profile that you read....you need professional help. And that's coming from someone who has sought professional help for my own issues. You will never find someone to love you if you can't love yourself, and through this message, it's quite clear that you don't love yourself. You hate yourself, and you're projecting that hatred to others

WTF picture of the day!

Happy Friday Everyone! While going through messages on okcupid I got a pop up notification that someone looked at my profile. The picture in the corner made it look like the guy was....naked....so I had to click on it. This is what happened when I did:

You're welcome.

Hypocrites

So I got off OKCupid a while ago because I was sick of the hypocrisy of people. Today...I remembered that's why I got off of it.


Someone whose screen name had a doctor who reference had viewed my profile, and because I am a huge Doctor Who fan, I looked at his profile. In his opener he states:
To be honest I have no illusions that I'll meet "the one" on here. Most people are way too conceited and shallow (I wonder why they're single?). If you can prove me wrong then by all means, say hello and let's see what we have in common :)

Halfway through he states:
I spend a lot of time thinking about

I need someone to help me understand how being slightly overweight is a crime. Keyword: slightly. Is it really going to kill you if a potential match isn't 110% fit? Jeez. Get over yourselves.
It's exactly that attitude that makes me strive to not only get in shape but also not be pretentious dick about it when I get there. Being fit doesn't make one better than others

Then, in his closer he says:

Finally, in regards to any potential interest... If you're full figured, I'm really sorry but I just can't do that. I've tried before and there's just no attraction.So I don't mind talking and making a new friend, but that's all I can offer


What the actual hell? Everyone is "too conceited and shallow" to have anything meaningful, but "if you're full figured, I can't do it." WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!?!

What the hell: Pickup lines.

So...what's the weirdest online dating pickup line you've ever received?

They left a bad taste in my mouth...

Here are my top 10:

10. Okay, so listen, I've gotta ask -- are you really as ticklish as you look?

9. Okay, so I just went crazy over your profile! Well... Not like straight jacket crazy or creepy guy in a van crazy but like a totally chill crazy. Your taste in movies has to be the best and... Yup. Probably safe to assume that about most everything else that may not be listed here. I think you should message me back! For funsplosions.

8. Me and my friend wanna help you out. We're not gay, were straight just horny enough to share a girl or take turns, aint gay if balls dont touch ;P

7. Damn. I don't know how you feel about it, but I'm looking for a cool ass chick to hang out with and be sexual with on occasion...I'm commonly addressed as "Math," and I'd like to add someone to my life, subtract drama, and multiply our time together by infinity.

6. I bet if we chatted there would be a recursive, cute quip overload as the quips kept piling on, back and forth, until the entire internet was sunken as if it hit an iceberg. Because you know what they say, cute quips sink ships.

5. So when you say casual sex, how much do you charge?

4. i saw something today that reminded me of you; i went to text you about it and realized i dint have your number yet.. so send it to me, i promise ill only call you 100-150 times a day to ask you "watchuu thinking abooouuutt?" 

3. Someone should preemptively attack your eyes so they won't be able to hurt anyone in the future.

2. You don't seem like my ex at all.

AND NUMBER ONE MY OVERALL FAVORITE THING I'VE EVER RECEIVED:

1. Would climb mt everest and shit with nothing but a loin cloth for clothing and ellen degeneres' queef for an air supply just to get a chance at holding the door for you without you even noticing.

DING! DING! DING! Ladies and gentleman we have a winner. 

Seriously, send me your weirdest pickup lines and you may make the next list.

Introducing the real me, the "character," and the douches who came before

So... to begin with this explanation I'm going to have to first let you know how it works.

I have dating profiles that I've used over the past four years in eHarmony, Match.com, Okcupid, Plenty of Fish, and Geek2Geek.

In an average day I get 5-15 messages...if i'm lucky.

There was a time in my life when I would've thought this was pure fiction:

Until I went through an ex's email after he broke up with me and realized he'd been screwing me, waiting til I went to sleep, and then talking to other girls on dating sites. Yeah...this picture was apparently my life for three months. So there's a lesson in all of this:

"Don't be a dick" - Wil Wheaton

Begin at the Beginning

So as someone who has been on and off of dating sites for the better part of four years I thought I would offer my insight into the incredibly stupid things people are doing. And how YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Basically, it's my chance to snark about people's profiles, pictures, and correspondences without anyone getting angry at me. Or, if they do, I don't care.

So be prepared! Let the snarking Begin!


For post one, We'll start with someone who's doing it right:

Introduction, way to get more info, honesty, compliment, question. Great way to start a conversation! Names have been removed to protect the person who's actually good at this.

This....is not how you do it:

I am not buying a used washing machine. I'm looking for a relationship. Listing off your qualifications and started with "clean, no drugs or diseases" just doesn't put the "I'd love to meet you" vibe into my heart.

Finally, the least effective way possible:

I don't want anything from you but your body. You know nothing about me, and I will not come to you. This will only last for three days tops. Please come to my house where I might be a serial killer... Umm...no thanks....