New Best Opener

This guy is almost up there with Ellen Degeneres's Queef. Pretty damn good. 



I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your 
attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for 
looks. You are clearly a 9/10 and here on ok cupid we only 
allow 6/10 maximum. 

Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with 
your name, phone number, your favorite flower, how many Cheetos you 
can fit in your mouth at once (just curious) and if you prefer 
Chinese or Italian cuisine. This is very serious business and I 
would advise you not to take my message lightly or you might anger 
my boss Poseidon, the lord of the seas. 

Cheers 

How not to start your profile

First impressions matter. And the first line  of your dating profile says a lot about you. It oftentimes dictates whether or not I read past that line. A good picture and good, honest hook are vital to online dating. 

If your profile begins with:

"There's no way to describe me"

--I think you're a narcissist. 

"I LOVE JESUS! HE IS MY LORD AND SAVIOR!"

-- you're crazy and a religious fanatic / in a cult. 

"Lemme get dat"

--I think you're from the ghetto, and no you cannot have this. 

"I'm polyamorous"

--you can't commit. 

"People always think I'm only nice to get in girls pants"

--well, I didn't think that until you suggested it. But now I do. 

These are some first liners that I've found endearing. Mostly because they're nerdy and so am I. Just remember like attracts like so if you want a nerd use a nerdy first line, if you want a bootycall then maybe "lemme get dat" is a good opener. 

"I'm tired of my princess always being in another castle"

"Looking for my companion"

And here are a few that while they weren't dazzling got to the point:

"Not looking for a hookup. Only those interested in a serious relationship need apply."

"A good man looking for a good woman."

"Southern gentleman looking for his southern belle"