So this may lag...

I sort of found a man. And I sorta like him. So...this blog may cease to exist. Or...I may just pull up old stories from the treasure troves of my love life. But, I'm happy, so...that's more important than bringing the horrors of online dating to the masses. And should anything go wrong, I promise, I shall return to you.

But, I will tell you he's amazing to me. We met on OKCupid. And...i'm really hopeful for a positive future with him.

I leave you with this parting profile of what not to put your profession as:

What the hell: Pickup lines.

So...what's the weirdest online dating pickup line you've ever received?

They left a bad taste in my mouth...

Here are my top 10:

10. Okay, so listen, I've gotta ask -- are you really as ticklish as you look?

9. Okay, so I just went crazy over your profile! Well... Not like straight jacket crazy or creepy guy in a van crazy but like a totally chill crazy. Your taste in movies has to be the best and... Yup. Probably safe to assume that about most everything else that may not be listed here. I think you should message me back! For funsplosions.

8. Me and my friend wanna help you out. We're not gay, were straight just horny enough to share a girl or take turns, aint gay if balls dont touch ;P

7. Damn. I don't know how you feel about it, but I'm looking for a cool ass chick to hang out with and be sexual with on occasion...I'm commonly addressed as "Math," and I'd like to add someone to my life, subtract drama, and multiply our time together by infinity.

6. I bet if we chatted there would be a recursive, cute quip overload as the quips kept piling on, back and forth, until the entire internet was sunken as if it hit an iceberg. Because you know what they say, cute quips sink ships.

5. So when you say casual sex, how much do you charge?

4. i saw something today that reminded me of you; i went to text you about it and realized i dint have your number yet.. so send it to me, i promise ill only call you 100-150 times a day to ask you "watchuu thinking abooouuutt?" 

3. Someone should preemptively attack your eyes so they won't be able to hurt anyone in the future.

2. You don't seem like my ex at all.

AND NUMBER ONE MY OVERALL FAVORITE THING I'VE EVER RECEIVED:

1. Would climb mt everest and shit with nothing but a loin cloth for clothing and ellen degeneres' queef for an air supply just to get a chance at holding the door for you without you even noticing.

DING! DING! DING! Ladies and gentleman we have a winner. 

Seriously, send me your weirdest pickup lines and you may make the next list.

Begin at the Beginning

So as someone who has been on and off of dating sites for the better part of four years I thought I would offer my insight into the incredibly stupid things people are doing. And how YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Basically, it's my chance to snark about people's profiles, pictures, and correspondences without anyone getting angry at me. Or, if they do, I don't care.

So be prepared! Let the snarking Begin!


For post one, We'll start with someone who's doing it right:

Introduction, way to get more info, honesty, compliment, question. Great way to start a conversation! Names have been removed to protect the person who's actually good at this.

This....is not how you do it:

I am not buying a used washing machine. I'm looking for a relationship. Listing off your qualifications and started with "clean, no drugs or diseases" just doesn't put the "I'd love to meet you" vibe into my heart.

Finally, the least effective way possible:

I don't want anything from you but your body. You know nothing about me, and I will not come to you. This will only last for three days tops. Please come to my house where I might be a serial killer... Umm...no thanks....