It goes on and on....

So, the dipstick who wrote me the long letter of hatred toward me and all of womankind felt the need to reply ONCE AGAIN. No idea why....but, hey, more blog fodder!

HIS NAME IS BENC2585 and while I normally steer clear of names out of reaper to their humanity, he has proven he clearly doesn't have any an is a danger to others. 

I have no desire to get in your pants at this point , though that would usually be my motive. My motive is to express my frustration and anger with women kind. I do not fear the okcupid police and you disappoint me that instead of trying to communicate and solve your own problems, you seek a higher authority to solve your problems. Are you dependent on a system to survive. Are you like most sheeple? No, this argument is happening, this debate will not be stopped. See I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. I am however one sexually frustrated and pissed off dude. And I understand that I have essentially become the villain, I have become the nasty and vulgar guy. But you know what makes villains like Hannibal lector, Joker, and Darth Vader interesting characters? It's that even though they are crazy and evil, deep down we agree with them, and they are a product of their societies corruption. And the feminization of our society is corrupt. Through affirmative action society is trying to shove the horse shit down men's throats that you all are equal to us. Ha! This country was built by men. Women are the worst decision makers I have ever met. You all can't even choose a proper mate. You all are more interested in skateboarders, artsy fartsy types, or some other type of loser rather than a man who is responsible and makes a living for his family. Women were better off when they were unable to provide themselves a living and their parents chose their husbands. You all are fools when it comes to love. And why is it that men have to dance around like monkeys to win your approval and selection. Aren't there more girls on the planet then men? You all should be doing the dancing and approval seeking by mathematical reasons alone. We are in more demand than you. And why is it that sitcoms and the media portray men as bumbling idiots and women as the saviours? Why is it that I have to walk down the check out isle and see magazine after magazine of women flaunting their sexuality as if they were the prize. Lets not get it wrong. Women are the arrows men are the targets. Not vice versa. Why is it that you think you get to make up the rules? You are the woman not the man. Learn your place. What do you think about that Wonder Woman?





AAAAAAAAND.....BLOCK! Really? You're not a danger to anyone but your idol is Hannibal Lector and you think we need to go back to a time when women were property not humans? There are much greater reasons at play why you can't find a mate. Again, he needs professional help. But as I am now ACTUALLY AFRAID of him, I reported him AGAIN and blocked him. Please, just "hide us kids, hide ya wife, cause he rapin everybody out here". 

Bad Art

So a while back, the last time around, on okcupid I had this guy who was obsessed with my pictures and drew art of me constantly. It was bad art, at best, and for the sake of the conversation I will show you said bad art. However, that is not WHY I am posting this.

It was quite amusing for a while....

But it got a little creeper / stalky. And then I'd forgotten about him. Until today when I got this...

Ah yes, I remember. You probably remember. I was the "Weird d00d" and the centerpiece of the bad art category. Those were good and bad times. I for one agree with the truth being the best for not wasting time. I've never invested a big amount of time in a relationship myself. I am too detached. Afterall I send creepily realistic surrealistic portraits to people that don't expect them. 

I honestly felt a little bit insulted by the bad art category. Not because it's different from the first opinion. It's just I made a bunch of others that were worse than the first 4 and those were left out. I also made a couple I still think are really good, but I don't mind if you leave no opinion on them. You don't have to feed the troll. 

Times have changed though. I switched to making my own video games, appending art from the past as backdrops, making music, and I'm not so tense and don't care as much about certain things. Learn banjo, stuff like that. 

And naturally I don't have a social profiling account on the blue f page any more because I rage quit a while back due to my brother jumping the gun and eloping without the usual niceties like being able to call my manager in to say a toast. 

Anyway, there's a past, and this is a decent forum for me to lurk so i stick here and that blue bird and some IRC. A hello shout out and good luck the third time in the quest for not finding the right whoever, but ruling out the wrong whatevers in the process. That's what internet dating is all about. Take care. 

bpat.

Does anyone besides me feel like that was a suicide note? 

And how did he know I made a facebook album of his drawings and called them "Bad Drawings"? Like I said...creepy stalkery....

Should I be afraid he's going to sneak in my window at night?

What the hell is wrong with people?

So, today, I got this message from a person I'd never spoken to, never heard of, who lives in another state, and I knew nothing about before this message....he wrote me a small novel on what a terrible human I am because the first line of my profile is

"DISCLAIMER: I'm not dating just to date anymore, and I'm not getting into a relationship with anyone who doesn't want marriage and kids in the near future." 

Apparently that translates to "I won't fuck you" in dick-inese

You know there are lots of profiles out there like yours. The first thing you all claim is you are not here for a hook up. Pardon my language but, what the fuck!? I'm tired of women saying that first thing in their profiles. There is no straight man on earth who doesn't want to have sex. That's just a dose of reality. And I know there are a lot of pricks out there who will lie and say they aren't out for sex, say something like they are looking for their soul mate. That is a bunch of bull shit. The only man your going to find that is willing to wait for marriage to have sex is the man who thinks the only way he can get sex is through marriage. I'm sorry but being dishonest is not in my nature and the worst part about it is I am punished for it because if your honest you don't get laid. Women are so retarded because they reward dishonesty and they punish honesty. If a guy is smooth and can appeal to your alls emotions then he is in there like swimwear but if a man is honest he gets kicked to the curb like a mutt. I don't know if women don't know or don't care that sex is a need for men. We get extremely depressed when we don't have a mate. We sit and think why aren't we good enough, our self esteem crashes, we feel miserable all day, and we watch couples and hope and pray we can find that special person to be intimate with. Just as much as you all need emotional support and attention we need someone to lie next to at night. And we're not dogs because of it either. It's so funny how women's sexuality is applauded in this country but men's is frowned upon. Most men don't want multiple women, most men don't want to screw women over, most men don't want to fuck and disappear, most men want a woman to come home to that loves him and wants to make love. And the other parts of a relationship are great too. Going to dinner, talking, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, but the sex is just as important. You may be wondering why I'm going off on you like this? Well, I'll tell you why. Usually I would try and come up with something witty to try and flirt with a pretty girl such as yourself hoping and praying that I could get the ground work started so I might build a relationship with you. But after 2 years of failing and feeling miserable and alone after failing I think I want to do something different. I'm sorry I'm taking it out on you but you are the straw that broke the camel's back, and I'm feeling a lot better after this rant. Fuck you, Fuck your stipulations, and Fuck your vagina that you are dangling in front of us like a carrot on a stick! I'm done. I'm just going to make money, become successful, and buy an Asian girl. I'll take care of her, she'll take care of me, we'll make babies together as nature intended it to be, and live happily ever after. If you have a son someday, that you'll love very much probably, I hope he has the same trouble with getting a woman to love him as I have had. Because then maybe you will understand how much pain your alls behavior causes. Good luck on finding a man you can pussy whip. Have a good life.



So....I reported him. And then I sent him this:

Umm...what the actual fuck? Why did you find the need to attack me for saying I wanted a relationship? NO WHERE on my profile does it say I DON'T want sex. I DO want sex. I don't want ONLY sex. 

I love sex. But attacking people for wanting a relationship not a meaningless hookup...that's not a good way to get sex. That's not a good way to get ANYTHING. And I don't really understand what you thought you accomplished by reading one thing on my profile, ASSUMING that it meant something it didn't, and then attacking me for it. 

And I don't know where you live that women's sexuality is applauded and men's is frowned upon, but ... where I live ... men are still high fived for "scoring" with a girl, but a woman is seen as a whore. I think it should be equal, honestly. I think if someone (man or woman) wants to have hookups, they should get to do that. I'm not their judge and jury. I just want something more than that. And I don't think I should be faulted for that any more than they should be faulted. 

I have NO desire to "pussy whip" anyone. And clearly you're miserable because you're a miserable person who spreads that misery around. And I don't think that buying a woman is really the answer to how to be loved and treated equally. So, just for the record, I copied everything you sent to me and sent it to okcupid to report you for harassment and misconduct. I feel as though you are potentially a danger to yourself or others and might want to...talk to someone. Because clearly if you are in such bad shape that you attack perfect strangers on the internet because of one line of their profile that you read....you need professional help. And that's coming from someone who has sought professional help for my own issues. You will never find someone to love you if you can't love yourself, and through this message, it's quite clear that you don't love yourself. You hate yourself, and you're projecting that hatred to others

Backhanded Compliments

So, I've been getting these messages lately that the guys sound like they're TRYING to be complimentary and failing. There's a compliment, and then there's a backhanded compliment. I think sometimes guys don't actually know the difference.

For instance...this sweet man was trying to tell me I was beautiful "just the way I was" which ... sounds like I think I have something to hide. Or implies that somehow I'm not.
I just wanted you to know that your very attractive. Now don't take this as just one of those messages that people and with no substance at all. I was looking at your pictures and noticed you actually blurred something under your eyes in a few pictures. I'm not trying to bust you out or anything but you do look very attractive. No need to even think someone would look at your pictures and find you anything other then stunning. Even if they did then that's good. No need to waste your time there. I just hope you know no matter what you corrected your beautiful. 

 I'm very attractive? Awesome. "I noticed you blurred something under your eyes in a few pictures." Ok, even if you NOTICED that, why would you point it out? Also one is not "a few."
Next "I'm not trying to bust you out" what the hell is 'bust you out'? I'm guessing you mean "bust" me not "bust me out" i'm not in prison. But thanks for trying. And now everything that says i'm pretty after that I stopped reading because you just said that I correct my pictures, and it's obvious. Even if you were saying I didn't NEED to, backhanded compliment.


You like look Pippi Longstocking and thats not a bad thing hun


What does that even mean? First she didn't just have ONE stocking, it's "Longstockings". TWO, what does that mean? That I look innocent? That I have freckles? That you think I have pigtails that stick out of my head? I will give you that I have freckles. And that I can look innocent. But the pigtails, not so much. "You look like an awkward ginger kid with pigtails, but that's a good thing!" / Backhanded Compliment.

WTF picture of the day!

Happy Friday Everyone! While going through messages on okcupid I got a pop up notification that someone looked at my profile. The picture in the corner made it look like the guy was....naked....so I had to click on it. This is what happened when I did:

You're welcome.

How not to attract a mate: photos edition!

So I've showed you some of the big no-nos of profile writing and correspondence. But, you ask, how important is my picture? VERY!

For instance if you've just moved boxes up stairs maybe wipe the sweat off your face before snapping a profile pic:

Nothing says "you're hott" like actually being hot an sweaty. 

Don't try to photoshop muscles on yourself unless you REALLY know what you're doing. 

Well, first and foremost the gratuitous shirt off, look at my abs in the bathroom mirror pic is a way to look like a real bro douche in the first place, but if you don't have that perfect six pack then DON'T PRETEND YOU DO!

Either he got a tan with a fence on him, or he tried to photoshop his mid section and failed leaving himself looking stripey and with an awkwardly, unnaturally smooth stomach above his navel. 

Finish chewing your food before you take your profile picture:

You may think the fact that you suck the head off a crawfish is the best way to attract a mate, but I have a secret for you....that's gross. Nobody wants to see food hanging out of your mouth! Chew that shit THEN take the picture.

Don't set your profile picture to anything that looks like blood droplets leading to you.

I'm sure those are rose petals, and i'm sure you think it's romantic...but at first glance, tell me you didn't see Dexter. Nothing says romance like the blood of the last girl I killed still on the floor!

Question: whose dating profile is this? Nobody freaking knows. 

Do not make a "group photo" your default photo (or worse yet ONLY photo). How the hell do I know who you are? I have seven choices here. Well, i'm going to GUESS six because I doubt the pregnant lady is on a dating site. But hey, i've been wrong before.

Surrounding yourself with women doesn't make you more appealing to them...

Also, just because you're the only male in the picture doesn't make it any less weird to have your default and only photo a group. Having a group of women surrounding you in your only photo makes you look either:
1. douchey
2. like you're trying too hard
3. like you think you're smoother than you are
4. like you were too lazy to just cut yourself out of that photo for your profile


I literally jumped when this came on my screen.

Also, for sites that auto-crop your photos for your display.....make sure you actually look at how they're positioned. Otherwise you can end up like this guy with the terrifying eyes of doom. Seriously, they're following me like the Mona Lisa's. 

Let's Revue:

To have a great profile picture that makes girls want to talk to you....

1. Show you have good hygiene

2. Don't do topless pics unless you have a REAL six pack.

3. Food in your mouth is not sexy

4. Clean up the blood before you take the picture.

5. Group photos are only ok as secondary pictures. Never as your default or only picture.

6. Check how it's cropped so you don't creep people out.

Got it? Good. Don't do that shit. Kthx. 

Hypocrites

So I got off OKCupid a while ago because I was sick of the hypocrisy of people. Today...I remembered that's why I got off of it.


Someone whose screen name had a doctor who reference had viewed my profile, and because I am a huge Doctor Who fan, I looked at his profile. In his opener he states:
To be honest I have no illusions that I'll meet "the one" on here. Most people are way too conceited and shallow (I wonder why they're single?). If you can prove me wrong then by all means, say hello and let's see what we have in common :)

Halfway through he states:
I spend a lot of time thinking about

I need someone to help me understand how being slightly overweight is a crime. Keyword: slightly. Is it really going to kill you if a potential match isn't 110% fit? Jeez. Get over yourselves.
It's exactly that attitude that makes me strive to not only get in shape but also not be pretentious dick about it when I get there. Being fit doesn't make one better than others

Then, in his closer he says:

Finally, in regards to any potential interest... If you're full figured, I'm really sorry but I just can't do that. I've tried before and there's just no attraction.So I don't mind talking and making a new friend, but that's all I can offer


What the actual hell? Everyone is "too conceited and shallow" to have anything meaningful, but "if you're full figured, I can't do it." WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!?!

How not to start your profile

First impressions matter. And the first line  of your dating profile says a lot about you. It oftentimes dictates whether or not I read past that line. A good picture and good, honest hook are vital to online dating. 

If your profile begins with:

"There's no way to describe me"

--I think you're a narcissist. 

"I LOVE JESUS! HE IS MY LORD AND SAVIOR!"

-- you're crazy and a religious fanatic / in a cult. 

"Lemme get dat"

--I think you're from the ghetto, and no you cannot have this. 

"I'm polyamorous"

--you can't commit. 

"People always think I'm only nice to get in girls pants"

--well, I didn't think that until you suggested it. But now I do. 

These are some first liners that I've found endearing. Mostly because they're nerdy and so am I. Just remember like attracts like so if you want a nerd use a nerdy first line, if you want a bootycall then maybe "lemme get dat" is a good opener. 

"I'm tired of my princess always being in another castle"

"Looking for my companion"

And here are a few that while they weren't dazzling got to the point:

"Not looking for a hookup. Only those interested in a serious relationship need apply."

"A good man looking for a good woman."

"Southern gentleman looking for his southern belle"

What the hell: Pickup lines.

So...what's the weirdest online dating pickup line you've ever received?

They left a bad taste in my mouth...

Here are my top 10:

10. Okay, so listen, I've gotta ask -- are you really as ticklish as you look?

9. Okay, so I just went crazy over your profile! Well... Not like straight jacket crazy or creepy guy in a van crazy but like a totally chill crazy. Your taste in movies has to be the best and... Yup. Probably safe to assume that about most everything else that may not be listed here. I think you should message me back! For funsplosions.

8. Me and my friend wanna help you out. We're not gay, were straight just horny enough to share a girl or take turns, aint gay if balls dont touch ;P

7. Damn. I don't know how you feel about it, but I'm looking for a cool ass chick to hang out with and be sexual with on occasion...I'm commonly addressed as "Math," and I'd like to add someone to my life, subtract drama, and multiply our time together by infinity.

6. I bet if we chatted there would be a recursive, cute quip overload as the quips kept piling on, back and forth, until the entire internet was sunken as if it hit an iceberg. Because you know what they say, cute quips sink ships.

5. So when you say casual sex, how much do you charge?

4. i saw something today that reminded me of you; i went to text you about it and realized i dint have your number yet.. so send it to me, i promise ill only call you 100-150 times a day to ask you "watchuu thinking abooouuutt?" 

3. Someone should preemptively attack your eyes so they won't be able to hurt anyone in the future.

2. You don't seem like my ex at all.

AND NUMBER ONE MY OVERALL FAVORITE THING I'VE EVER RECEIVED:

1. Would climb mt everest and shit with nothing but a loin cloth for clothing and ellen degeneres' queef for an air supply just to get a chance at holding the door for you without you even noticing.

DING! DING! DING! Ladies and gentleman we have a winner. 

Seriously, send me your weirdest pickup lines and you may make the next list.

Introducing the real me, the "character," and the douches who came before

So... to begin with this explanation I'm going to have to first let you know how it works.

I have dating profiles that I've used over the past four years in eHarmony, Match.com, Okcupid, Plenty of Fish, and Geek2Geek.

In an average day I get 5-15 messages...if i'm lucky.

There was a time in my life when I would've thought this was pure fiction:

Until I went through an ex's email after he broke up with me and realized he'd been screwing me, waiting til I went to sleep, and then talking to other girls on dating sites. Yeah...this picture was apparently my life for three months. So there's a lesson in all of this:

"Don't be a dick" - Wil Wheaton

Begin at the Beginning

So as someone who has been on and off of dating sites for the better part of four years I thought I would offer my insight into the incredibly stupid things people are doing. And how YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Basically, it's my chance to snark about people's profiles, pictures, and correspondences without anyone getting angry at me. Or, if they do, I don't care.

So be prepared! Let the snarking Begin!


For post one, We'll start with someone who's doing it right:

Introduction, way to get more info, honesty, compliment, question. Great way to start a conversation! Names have been removed to protect the person who's actually good at this.

This....is not how you do it:

I am not buying a used washing machine. I'm looking for a relationship. Listing off your qualifications and started with "clean, no drugs or diseases" just doesn't put the "I'd love to meet you" vibe into my heart.

Finally, the least effective way possible:

I don't want anything from you but your body. You know nothing about me, and I will not come to you. This will only last for three days tops. Please come to my house where I might be a serial killer... Umm...no thanks....